That’s Cornmazing!

Harvest season is nearly over, for comic Jimmy Dunn, some corny memories remain

I love corn. Native New Hampshire homegrown corn. On the cob, grilled or boiled. In chowder. Creamed. Baked into corn bread or corn fritters. Doesn’t matter how it’s prepared, I love corn. In fact, I’m eating popcorn as I type this.

And there is no substitute for that local corn from a backwoods roadside stand: “Four for a buck. Three if you shuck.”

Recently, though, it seems more and more of my precious New Hampshire native corn is being used for entertainment, or agritainment, (I’m told that’s a real word), in the form of corn mazes.

If you haven’t visited one of the state’s many corn mazes, allow me to describe the experience. It’s an intricate labyrinth laid out over acres of farmland, designed to challenge your sense of direction as you navigate through a life-size puzzle made of corn stalks.

We must really be doing well, corn-wise, when we have enough left over to play games.

How’s the crop this year?

Excellent.

We have enough corn for food?

Yup.

Corn for biofuel?

Yup.

Corn for the cattle to eat?

Yup.

Corn for holiday decorations?

Yup.

OK, then. Fire up the John Deere. Let’s make a maze!

I’m not sure the origin of the first corn maze, but my guess is it was designed by a drunken farmer, somewhere in Ohio, after another Cleveland Browns loss. And the first person to solve a corn maze was his wife in the morning, when she found him and the tractor.

The mazes in New Hampshire take all different shapes and forms. This year in the state, you could walk around corn mazes shaped like turkeys, moose and beehives.

To our south, in Plymouth, Massachusetts, the hottest corn maze of the season was shaped in the image of our lord and savior, Tom Brady.

We should do that in New Hampshire. We should honor our natives with mazes in their image. Who wouldn’t want to walk around inside a corn Adam Sandler? Or spend a good evening in the Al Kaprielian corn puzzle?

We could corncreate The Old Man of the Mountain. Or other crumbled New Hampshire landmarks, like the Seabrook nuclear power plant or the DMV in Epping.

Or a corn Route 101. With little flattened-out corn squirrels.

How about adding a corn maze to some of our already-popular New Hampshire attractions?

A corn maze with the Clark’s Trading Post bears roaming around? That would up the difficulty level.

Or a corn maze/NASCAR race at Loudon. Those cars don’t have wipers.

Yes, I realize that I’m being a bit absurd. How dare I ridicule the simple, traditional, family fun of the corn maze?

Well, I’m a corn purist. I like it on the cob, slathered in butter and lightly over-salted.

But if you want to waste our state’s precious crop playing games, that’s your business.

It’s not the first plant to be widely used for recreational entertainment in our state, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. And when they legalize the use of that other plant, these corn mazes will get a lot more interesting — and difficult.

Jimmy Dunn wants you to know he is a stand-up comedian who lives in NH and would love to perform at your holiday party. He does them all the time!