Welcome, Presidential Hopefuls

A fun-filled day awaits you in beautiful Frost Heaves, N.H.

Lately, we’ve had a bumper crop of politicians traipsing through New Hampshire, people you never heard of hoping to use their successful stint as the Louisiana Commissioner of Mattress Safety as a springboard to the Oval Office. Most of these folks have about as much chance of being president as my cat Lena, maybe less.

Here in Frost Heaves, we decided to take advantage of this situation and offer a special travel package to all these White House wannabes. The package begins with an official welcome from our state senator, Lester Milfoil. Lester has a 20-year history of not taking strong positions on anything. Consequently you can list his legislative accomplishments on a gum wrapper – one of the little sugarless ones, not the full-sized pieces – and you’ll still have room for a couple of phone numbers. Lester is most proud of his work on the official state muffin, though he managed to be absent for the controversial vote on the state fungus.

Next comes breakfast at the Bluebell Diner, where the candidates will rub elbows with Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. (Unless it’s a Thursday. On Thursdays, John plays checkers at the senior center in East Mildew and Jane has Bible study at the First Church of the Last Hope in Milliwillitocksett.) The other point of the breakfast is to make sure these candidates have the intestinal fortitude to be president. Remember when George H.W. Bush tossed his cookies all over the Japanese prime minister’s shoes? We figure if politicians can handle the food at the Bluebell Diner, they’re ready for anything.

Then comes a tour of local industry. Frost Heaves doesn’t actually have much in the way of industry – personal or otherwise – but you got to have photo ops, so we’ll take ’em to the Frost Heaves House of Pizza, where Chef Walter has a new creation called the Campaign Promise Pizza. He advertises it as having three kinds of meat, all the vegetables, extra cheese and special spices, at a bargain price. But what you get is just a thin crust with a little bit of tomato sauce. We’re hoping the politicians will get the point, but we ain’t holding our breath.

From there, we’ll go to Homer Andrews’ farm. Homer has a Holstein named Henrietta that was born with the profile of the Old Man of the Mountain on her side. Politicians just love to have their picture taken with Henrietta. What they don’t know is that as Henrietta has grown, the shape has changed, and lately Homer has taken to touching it up with shoe polish. That don’t bother us – all the politicians wear makeup these days, so why shouldn’t Henrietta?

The day ends with a Town Hall meeting and a free bean supper, paid for by the candidate. We figure this will ensure that folks will actually be there to meet the candidate instead of staying home to watch Dancing with the Desperate Bachelor Chefs on TV.

We’ll charge for the package the way the government does. We’ll take their credit cards and give them a price, but when they get their statement, the price might be two, three or even four times that amount. Again, we’re hoping they’ll take the hint. Call us dreamers. NH