The New Hampshire Vacation Quiz

A test you can't fail (probably)

Illustration by Brad Fitzpatrick

Take this quiz to find out which Granite State vacation is right for you.

Your idea of roughing it is:

      a. forgetting to wear your Gore-Tex underwear
      b. running out of marshmallows
      c. having to park more than a block from the beach
      d. turning down your own bedspread

To pack a week’s worth of food and clothing, you will need:

      a. a one-quart freezer bag
      b. a reusable grocery bag
      c. a suitcase
      d. a mid-size U-Haul truck

At night, you prefer to hear the sound of:

      a. coyotes
      b. loons
      c. crashing waves
      d. the ice machine down the hall

You consider the ideal accommodations to have:

      a. room for two sleeping bags
      b. a screen door
      c. an outdoor shower to wash the sand off
      d. towels large enough to hide a Lexus

Your idea of wildlife is:

      a. lions, tigers and bears
      b. crows and chipmunks
      c. seagulls eyeing your sandwich
      d. the owner’s golden retriever

Did you have more a, b, c or d responses? Your answer will tell you which Granite State getaway is best for you.

a. The Hiker’s Holiday

Your vacation begins with a night at the Misty Vista Retreat Hostel in North Woodstack, where you’ll get acquainted with fellow hikers and their snoring patterns. In the morning, you’ll hike the Lukewarm Springs Trail to the top of Molehill Mountain, providing scenic views of the parking lot below and the nearby regional recycling center.

b. The Lakeside Escape

You are a camper. You’ll vacation on Lake Mittibittiwittisquam in East Milfoil, sharing a cozy cabin with red squirrels, who will delight you with their antics — such as stealing food from the pantry while you’re out canoeing. At night, you’ll listen to the gentle lapping of the neighbor’s dog at your outdoor faucet. The cabin comes complete with a large collection of magazines generously donated by previous guests, as well as Stephen King novels that you probably don’t want to read after sunset.

c. The Beachside Break

Your type is drawn to the ocean by the wildlife, including individuals exposing more flesh than the entire cast of “Downton Abbey.” You love the sights and smells of the beach; if they made a cologne called “Eau de Fried Dough,” you’d wear it. During your week at beautiful Blyster Beach in Old Crankbury, you’ll enjoy accommodations at the Split Shake Inn, meals at the two-star Clam Pit Lounge (flip-flops optional) and fun-filled afternoons at the arcade.

d. The Classic B&B

You’ll love this charming establishment in Upper Underbridge, owned and operated by Bob and Betty Classic. Decorated by Betty herself, the B&B features wallpaper, upholstery, cushions and drapes with more flowers than the Pittsburgh Botanic Garden. (Note: Some guests, especially those from New York City, have reported developing a nervous twitch in response to the décor, though Betty says, “Those people were nervous when they got here.”) You’ll be welcomed by Bob and Betty’s dog Max, a friendly old fellow who smells as if he has not been completely dry since 1973.

Categories: Humor