Presidential Longshot Vermin Surpreme
Perennial longshot (to say the least) candidate Vermin Supreme is back with his promise to give a pony to every American, fight zombies and rebuild the Old Man of the Mountain
If you pay close attention to the New Hampshire primary, it’s likely you’ve stumbled across political satirist Vermin Supreme, who’s been running for president since 1992. Wearing a floppy rubber boot on his head like a Roman battle helmet, the Santa-bearded Supreme (his legal name) taunts mainstream candidates across the ideological spectrum and urges voters to endorse him as a “None of the Above” alternative.
We caught up with Supreme at the Statehouse as he formally filed his credentials to be on the primary ballot. Timing his appearance with the arrival of Republican candidate Dr. Ben Carson, Supreme held up a plastic brain and deadpanned that Carson would be Surgeon General in his administration because he knew how to make human gray matter taste unappetizing to zombies.
Assuming you win the 2016 nomination, care to speculate on a running mate? I’ve been mulling over Oprah, because she’d be perfect in every way. The beautiful part of my campaign and my reinvention of American government is that I don’t need to limit myself to one VP candidate. I could rotate them and have one for every day of the week.
You’ve run as a Republican before, but this time you’re a Democrat. Why? I’m a DINO (Democrat in Name Only) or a RINO each time. I’m obviously not down with either party. But this year is a strategic calculation. The Republican field is too wide. And I believe I can get more votes than (former Maryland Gov.) Martin O’Malley.
In addition to running for US President, you sometimes declare to be a candidate for president of New Hampshire. What do you mean by that? New Hampshire likes to think of itself as the state that picks presidents. This just cuts to the chase.
What will you do for Granite Staters if elected? I’m the only candidate who promises that we will rebuild the Old Man of the Mountain. We are going to make him 10 times bigger in the same location. It will be a secret lair where I will run the government of New Hampshire and, subsequently, America. The new Old Man will be one that is breathing fire and shooting lasers out of his eyeballs. This giant mutated Old Man of the Mountain will keep New Hampshire safe from every other bordering state. He will also vomit glitter all over Vermont.
You’re known for promising a free pony for every American. And you’ve even suggested that colorful ponies could be used in the war against ISIS by putting “hoofs on the ground.” Is your campaign resonating with “Bronies,” adult male fans of the “My Little Pony” cartoon? The Bronies are a very important constituency for me. In 2012, when I became an Internet meme, it was all because of the Bronies. They were drawing me with ponies and even drawing me as a pony — with a beard and a boot on its head. I’m playing to my base, which has a high percentage of geeks.
What do you love most about the NH primary? That it’s a full-on, full-tilt circus. It’s the crowds, the tourists, the media. You meet people from everywhere. You have dozens of candidates — each with their own headquarters and staff and events — and they’re bouncing around New Hampshire like ping pong balls. If you’re so motivated, you can go up to them and ask any ridiculous question you want. It’s ripe for subversion.