Local themes make Halloween more, uh, local
Illustration by Brad Fitzpatrick
Are you ready to show some love for local lore this Halloween? Sure, New York has the Headless Horseman, Massachusetts has the witch trials and Maine has the chupacabra (no, really, look it up), but New Hampshire has its own lineup of awesome costume possibilities. Here are a few suggestions:
Our list of state symbols is a wealth of ideas. Go the traditional route as a pumpkin or ladybug. Think out of the box by putting on a stubby white tail, long eyelashes and big ears like the white-tailed deer, or a fuzzy coat and can-do attitude like the Chinook. To really stand out, splurge on the expensive fabric at Jo-Ann’s and make yourself into a brook trout, spotted newt or chunk of smoky quartz!
Friends might think your Dollar Store fairy wings are harmless - until you reveal your sinister garden hose proboscis. You are the scourge of the swamps, the bane of the backwoods and the original bloodsucker. Strike even more terror and annoyance into the hearts of your victims by blasting a high-def recording of that distinctive whine from a speaker perched on your head.
Ghost of the Old Man of the Mountain
He watched over us for eleventy-million years until 2003, when he was undone by a combination of weather and ubiquitous Eminem songs. Pay tribute and score candy by donning a sheet with eyeholes and haunting the neighborhood. In a spooky voice, recite lines from “The Great Stone Face.” (“I am a work of Nature in her mood of majestic playfulness! ooooOOOOooo!”)
The ultimate anti-costume lets it all hang out, just as we’re unashamed of our love of no income/sales tax. Drape a red, white and blue sash over one shoulder, emblazoned with TAKE THE PLEDGE in glittery gold. Use spirit gum to affix 99 shiny pennies, which are exactly enough for that 99-cent whoopie pie, to your body in strategic locations.
National Nude Hiking Day Hiker
Same as the Tax-Free costume, but switch out the sash and $0.99 for some Deep Woods Off.
Pin a sassy purple lilac to your waistcoat, stick out your paunch and sashay down the street like you’re the first Royal Governor of the Granite State. Feel like selling New Hampshire land that might actually be in other states? Marrying the housekeeper? You do you, you magnificent beast. Wig in the air like you just don’t care!
We love it. We hate it. We’re sick of it. We can’t wait until next time. And don’t you dare take it away from us. For this look, start with an elephant nose and donkey tail. Try a Trump wig, a Hillary pantsuit, Ben Carson’s stethoscope and Bernie’s distinctive glasses. Sprinkle in a bit of Ted Cruz’s Fabio-esque smolder and Jill Stein’s tiny carbon footprint. Do your civic duty by incorporating elements of all your favorite candidates into one horrifyingly gorgeous Frankenstein’s monster.