An open letter to Mr. Steve Jobs of Apple Inc.
Dear Mr. Jobs:
While working my way through a stack of magazines recently, I noticed they all contained promotions for your new generation iPhone and all the nifty applications that can now be purchased for it. These applications seem to cover everything, from the useful (GPS locator, level, tip calculator) to the inspired. (My mother is now on board the iPhone train, thanks to that clever yard sale locator.)
With the holidays right around the corner and many folks looking for gift-giving suggestions, this seems like a great time to pitch you my idea for iPhone applications that are geared towards the state in which one lives.
So, if I may be so bold, Mr. Jobs, I'd like to get the ball rolling and submit a few application ideas for my home state of New Hampshire.
The Massachusetts Border Alert Application: With its no nonsense icon of the state of Massachusetts with a skull and crossbones superimposed over it, this handy-dandy feature would sound an alert when the New Hampshire iPhone owner wandered too near to the Massachusetts border and that state's high taxes, hyper-aggressive drivers and impenetrable accent.
Maple Syrup Tester: This useful option would let the iPhone user test any maple syrup he or she came across for authenticity. Because we all know what a shame it is to taste anything but 100% pure New Hampshire maple syrup. The self-cleaning option would be sold separately.
Presidential Primary Season Politician Locator: In the year leading up to a presidential election our fair state is overrun with those vying for this highest of all offices, and who will do just about anything for a little publicity. This wonderful feature would let the iPhone user locate the nearest candidate for glad handing, baby kissing or doing odd jobs around the house. Useful for locating Mitt Romney to clean out your gutters, Al Sharpton to wash your car or Howard Dean to yell and scare away the deer in your garden.
New York Yankees Loss Alert: For those iPhone users who are having a rough day, this item will alert you instantly when the Yankees lose a game or have another player featured in the tabloids. Makes a Red Sox fan's day brighter.
Old Man in the Mountain Holographic Projector: This spiffy feature will allow iPhone users to relive those halcyon days of yore, when the Old Man in the Mountain was still standing, by enabling the iPhone operator to project a holographic image "Star Wars-style" onto the cliff face where the beloved state icon once hung so proudly. It feels just like the real thing, only in blue laser light.
Thank you for your time, Mr. Jobs, I know that it's valuable. I have many other thoughts and ideas to pitch should you find yourself at a loss for new iPhone features. I will in fact work for very little -- just a new phone is all I ask for, and perhaps an application to help me locate a cell phone signal somewhere here in the state.
Tincan Caldwell NH
This article appears in the November 2009 issue of New Hampshire Magazine