Wolfman's Revenge

Wolfman of Clark's Trading Post

Photo by Bob Jenks

"An angry, one-eyed, bearskin-clad Neanderthal" - that's how Clark's Trading Post, the destination fun spot in Lincoln, describes Wolfman, the backwoods recluse that lives in the nearby forest and comes out to harass people who are passing by on White Mountain Central trains. Recently, Clark's was able to do an interview with Wolfman and found these hitherto unknown facts:

  • He is known to like children, although he prefers chicken or strawberries, in season.
  • Dogs don't bother him - more than once.
  • His IQ is apparently off the scale - which end is not quite clear.
  • He was evidently married at one time and still suffers from the effects.
  • His legendary ability to hunt is only exceeded by his ability to evade taxes or any other form of payment for any goods or services.
  • His ability to fly off the handle has never been accurately measured. His appetite has kept all manner of small game and insects at a tolerable level.
  • Wolfman gave us an interview, too, probably to help publicize his run for the presidency (yes, of the US).

What's your real name? My name is Timber Raines.

You're a Neaderthal? I thought they were extinct. Not true. I am of the Kro-Magnum klan.

How long have you been in the forest and why? One score and 19 years. Solidaraty suits me.

Why are you so mad?  Because people are cruel and truspass.

What is it about trains full of people that you don't like?  Mostly the smell of them. Like soap!

Did you have a rough childhood?  As a madder of fact I did have a ruff childhood. I came from a litter of nine!

What do you do when you're not harassing the trains?  I don't harass trains. Let me make this perfectly clear.

What do you eat? Mostly dead animals.

You have a collection of backwoods recipes. What's your favorite dish?  My favorite dish is frogeggserone as made with white modeling clay.

It's been said that you "like children although you prefer chicken or strawberries." True?  Yes, true. I really like strawberries.

You're running for president. Why? The country needs me.

What would you do on Day One?  Set the record strait. Majority rules. That's why we vote.

Think you really have a chance? Yes, indeed.

Do you pay taxes?
Because of my woodland status and cause I'm a wolfman, I am exempt.

Is there a wolfwoman in your life?  Yes, every thorn has its rose. Mine is the Rose of Sharon.

How's it feel to be famous? It feels like the opposite of feeling like a motherless child.

Is the job of being a wolfman demanding? The wolfman is not a job; it is an entrusted position to protect and preserve the woodland!! and to make great memories for all who venture beyond the covered bridge [at Clark's Trading Post].For more information about Wolfman and Clark's Trading Post, visit clarkstradingpost.com.

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