My Platform for Non-Office




A native son offers a few modest proposals.

As a patriotic citizen I am proud to announce that, unlike just about everybody else in New Hampshire, I am not running for office. However, I do have some ideas for solving our state's problems, which I am happy to share.

Congress à la CarteThe more people you have in an organization, the greater the chance one of them is going to come up with a really stupid idea. Here in New Hampshire, we have 400 representatives, so you do the math. To limit the damage I think we should put our representatives on retainer and send them home. Then we can call them back if we need them to vote on anything important like Psoriasis Awareness Month or making zucchini bread the Official State Pastry. I know this sounds expensive, but it will be a lot cheaper than having them sit around all the time with nothing to do. Ask any parent of teenagers.

Bingo BuncoSome of our state senators seem to think increased gambling is the way to solve our financial problems. Frankly, if you think gambling is a way to make money, you ain't got the brains God gave rhubarb. But if they insist on gambling, let's do it the way we do in Frost Heaves: bingo. But here's the twist - we borrow a page from the Massachusetts playbook and make everyone play. That's right, Universal Mandatory Bingo. Also, the prizes would be stuff people have tucked away in their attics and cellars, like that old bureau you got from your Aunt Ida that you hate but can't toss out. This would save money on prizes and also cut down on the number of yard sales in our state, which has reached epidemic proportions lately.

Border InsecurityNew Hampshire has a vast, extended 58-mile border with our northern neighbor Canada and exactly one border crossing checkpoint. So far we've been getting along OK - except for the War of 1812 business - but that unprotected border worries me. Right now there's nothing to stop a Canadian moose from stepping over the line and taking work away from our native-born moose. And what about a moose cow that wanders over the border and has a calf here? Does that make it an American moose? Something to think about.

Potty-Mouth PrivilegesThere's entirely too much cussing going on these days, and I think folks should pay for the privilege with an annual swearing license. There are a couple of guys in Frost Heaves who could pay for a new addition to the elementary school all by themselves.

Money for NothingThe federal government pays farmers not to grow crops so as to keep prices high. I think we need to apply the same logic to lawyers - let's pay them not to practice. I think we'll save money in the long run. Personally, I like the idea of getting paid not to do something. I'd try to think of something not to do myself, but I'm already not doing anything. And I need to get back to it. NH

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