Valentine Finder

A handy-dandy test for selecting the perfect Valentine's Day gift.

Ah, Valentine's Day - you can almost hear the stock in antacids climbing as it approaches, as men from far and wide try to figure out how not to end up in the doghouse for the second half of the month of February after buying the "wrong thing."

Really, can we take this holiday this seriously? Nobody even seems to know who St. Valentine was or what he did in the first place. Wikipedia just refers to him as a "Christian martyr," meaning whatever he did, it ended badly. Then supposedly one of the popes back in the single digits decided he had something to do with telling your significant other they are more to you than just a tax deduction - and a holiday is born.

Here in New Hampshire it's especially challenging to get the right gift, since our women vary so widely in lifestyle. One woman's "roses and chocolate" are another woman's "gun rack and trucker hat." It's important to buy the right thing for the right woman. So I have devised a little quiz to figure out what type of woman you have and what you should do to avoid a potential issue, therefore determining the perfect gift idea.

For example: Which of the following is your girlfriend's favorite day out?

a) full day at a spa

b) ski trip to Loon Mountain

c) three shots of tequila and some road-kill taxidermy.

Who is her best friend?

a) her mother

b) her old college roommate

c) her hunting rifle.

What is most important to her?

a) her husband and children

b) saving the planet

c) when the races start at Loudon.

Her idea of dressing up for a night out includes:

a) her prettiest dress and sexiest shoes

b) extra-bright fleece socks with her Birkenstocks

c) her new Harley vest and matching do-rag.

Her pets include:

a) a fluffy little lap dog

b) a golden retriever pup being trained as a service dog

c) a woodchuck out back she named "Bob."

Now tally up your answers and choose from the options below:

a) If you answered mostly "a's": A dozen red roses, champagne and a diamond necklace. The "little woman" will really know that you care.

b) If you answered mostly "b's": A jar of gourmet granola, an alpaca wool hat and a tree planted in her name in an over-logged forest. Or if you really feel extravagant - Phish tickets. No buzz-kill there, Dude.

c) If you answered mostly "c's": A padded sissy bar, a case of Skoal and a new tattoo of her name on your bicep. Or if you've been picking up enough overtime: A two-night stay in Laconia during Bike Week 2011, including beer tent admission. Guaranteed to keep your stuff from ending up on the front lawn.

See? Nothing to it. Enjoy your Valentine's Day without stress.

You are welcome.

(Note: For same-sex couples, same rules apply - unlike anywhere else in the nation, Live Free or Die. Baby.) NH

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